A Change in Perspective

Last night I had a difficult time falling asleep, but found myself reflecting on a question that haunts couples: if labor becomes life-threatening, and the choice is to either save the mother or the baby, which should be chosen?

I've discussed this unpleasant conversation with two other women (neither of which had children), as well as my husband. Between the two women, each had valid arguments for both:

Save Mom: "You don't want to leave your husband with a newborn! Of course it will be tragic, but your significant other needs you."

Save Baby: "I could never forgive myself for living, knowing I was alive because my child had died."

Adam and I discussed this (long before I got pregnant), and we agreed: saving Mom made much more sense. If it ever came down to it, Adam would choose me. 

But as I fell asleep, I realized I felt very different about my first answer. I would die and kill for my child. I haven't even seen his face yet, and still I know this to be true. I discussed it briefly with Adam this morning, but I could tell he couldn't even fathom the idea of having me dead and taking care of an infant alone. And yet, I now understand the second woman's perspective. How could I live with that choice? I know the odds of us finding ourselves in this situation are a million to one, but if for any other reason, reflection on what my answer is a good exercise in learning what my priorities are and why.

With that being said, here's the dream these thoughts led to:

I dreamed that I made that choice and that I had died, yet I was still pregnant at the point I am now (32 weeks) and Baby was still fine and growing and well on his way. The details are hazy, but my brother had also died after me.

Me and my little brother

I found myself putting a scrapbook together with my mother for Baby about me so he could have pictures and stories and whatnot. I don't know if I was suppose to be a ghost or something, but it was very surreal, sitting on the floor talking with my mother about my life and telling her how I want my child to know me. Every once in a while, my brother would come onto the scene and talking about unrelated things (at one point he was talking about a dish made from cooked spinach and lemon).

I've been remembering dreams a bit more often since I got pregnant, which is to be expected. What I find strange is that I dream the most about my brother and my mother. It usually involves my brother either at a younger age (he's 20 now. In my dream last night, he was 4) and/or him in peril and/or dying/dead and my mother as a support.

In an attempt to interpret the dream, the presence of my mother makes sense: I'm going to become a mother myself! It seems natural to dream about her. But my brother? I'm assuming he symbolizes my baby, since he's my little brother. But why is he always dying or hurt? Am I mentally preparing for becoming a protector? Or am I afraid of my baby dying? Or something else?

The subject's a bit dark, but hopefully I'm not the only one out there with these thoughts and feelings. Let me know what you think!