A Change in Perspective

Last night I had a difficult time falling asleep, but found myself reflecting on a question that haunts couples: if labor becomes life-threatening, and the choice is to either save the mother or the baby, which should be chosen?

I've discussed this unpleasant conversation with two other women (neither of which had children), as well as my husband. Between the two women, each had valid arguments for both:

Save Mom: "You don't want to leave your husband with a newborn! Of course it will be tragic, but your significant other needs you."

Save Baby: "I could never forgive myself for living, knowing I was alive because my child had died."

Adam and I discussed this (long before I got pregnant), and we agreed: saving Mom made much more sense. If it ever came down to it, Adam would choose me. 

But as I fell asleep, I realized I felt very different about my first answer. I would die and kill for my child. I haven't even seen his face yet, and still I know this to be true. I discussed it briefly with Adam this morning, but I could tell he couldn't even fathom the idea of having me dead and taking care of an infant alone. And yet, I now understand the second woman's perspective. How could I live with that choice? I know the odds of us finding ourselves in this situation are a million to one, but if for any other reason, reflection on what my answer is a good exercise in learning what my priorities are and why.

With that being said, here's the dream these thoughts led to:

I dreamed that I made that choice and that I had died, yet I was still pregnant at the point I am now (32 weeks) and Baby was still fine and growing and well on his way. The details are hazy, but my brother had also died after me.

Me and my little brother

I found myself putting a scrapbook together with my mother for Baby about me so he could have pictures and stories and whatnot. I don't know if I was suppose to be a ghost or something, but it was very surreal, sitting on the floor talking with my mother about my life and telling her how I want my child to know me. Every once in a while, my brother would come onto the scene and talking about unrelated things (at one point he was talking about a dish made from cooked spinach and lemon).

I've been remembering dreams a bit more often since I got pregnant, which is to be expected. What I find strange is that I dream the most about my brother and my mother. It usually involves my brother either at a younger age (he's 20 now. In my dream last night, he was 4) and/or him in peril and/or dying/dead and my mother as a support.

In an attempt to interpret the dream, the presence of my mother makes sense: I'm going to become a mother myself! It seems natural to dream about her. But my brother? I'm assuming he symbolizes my baby, since he's my little brother. But why is he always dying or hurt? Am I mentally preparing for becoming a protector? Or am I afraid of my baby dying? Or something else?

The subject's a bit dark, but hopefully I'm not the only one out there with these thoughts and feelings. Let me know what you think!

Baby Has Fingernails!

Okay, so yesterday i may have stretched the truth: I'm 32 weeks as of today. And so, I watched my weekly Bump video on the development of Baby.

Every Friday has become like a birthday for me! I love watching the videos talking about what developmental milestones my baby has reached. Today they talked about how he now has hair and fingernails!

"Fingernails, really?"

That's a segue into talking about 'Juno,' right??

'Juno' is one of my all-time favorite movies. The characters, the dialogue, the story, and the way it tackles a touchy topic such as teen pregnancy is perfection. But it always bothered me that what kept her from going through with the abortion was based on a lie: that the baby had fingernails. No, the baby has a heartbeat, it can feel pain (has a spinal chord), but fingernails? No, Juno! It doesn't, sorry. But it fits with the feel of the rest of the movie, I guess. It wouldn't have fit for her to be moved by the fact that her baby has a heartbeat or a spinal chord.

Well, regardless of where Juno's baby was developmentally in this part of the film, MY baby has beautiful little fingernails and toenails and hair. Probably dark curls like his daddy. Oh the joys of being married to someone with dominant genes: makes it pretty easy to predict what Baby will look like!

Here's more on Baby at 32 weeks!

10 Things I've Learned About Pregnancy Too Late

Since I know people get sick of baby pictures and baby stories on Facebook, I'm going to begin a blog where I can talk about my future baby to my heart's content and people who are interested can read all about me and my baby.

I'm 32 weeks along now, and I'm amazed at things I've learned about pregnancy and babies I had no idea about until I got pregnant. Many I already knew (morning sickness, growing to the size of a planet, birth is ouchie), but quite a few little things that don't feel so little any more. I'd like to share a few of them with you:

10) Pregnancy Brain is real. I was absent-minded before, but I noticed a sudden decline in brain function before I even knew I was pregnant. 

9) "Mother's Instinct" is bull. I was convinced that I was having a girl because it "felt like a girl." Go figure, I'm having a boy.

8) Everything is out to get your baby. That's right, everything. In the first trimester I was pretty good about avoiding things. By the second trimester (after reading the reasoning behind the madness), the only thing I've truly been avoiding is alcohol. Other than that... let me eat my turkey sandwich and coke in peace.

7) Baby stuff is ridiculously expensive. Before I was pregnant, I got it in my head that I wanted a theme for my baby's nursery. That was before I saw prices on all that matchy-matchy stuff. Forget it Baby, you're getting this clearance crib set from Target.

6) People will touch you. The first person to attempt to touch my belly nearly got karate chopped in the neck (sorry, Jessie). I've now learned that people aren't attempting to murder me, they just want to rub the magic belly. I understand. Just give me a warning so I don't put you in a coma by accident.

5) The weirdest symptoms. The symptoms that have been worse for me are probably the unexpected ones. Like cramping the first trimester. Seriously, what? What? I thought being pregnant meant no cramps, but nooooo, the uterus has to grow to triple its size, which kind of sucks. How about that acne to make you look like you're 16 and pregnant? Or the swollen feet? How about those leg cramps that cause you to wake up screaming in pain? Yeah, they never told me about any of these.

4) The emotional roller-coaster. I knew that pregnant women were famous for being whacked out, but I can't help but wonder how much of it has to do with hormones really or if it's because, oh, I don't know, you're FREAKING OUT over the fact that you're MAKING A PERSON, and that in itself is a little over-whelming, let alone everything else.

3) People will question you. I knew this was a common thing in child-rearing (my husband and I are planning on homeschooling and all the questioning that comes along with that, for example), but before the kid is even out? I think the two things that people are most inquisitive about is 1) that I'm planning a natural birth with a doula and 2) that I'm using cloth diapers. Some days I just want to answer the "Whys" with a simple, "Because I did my homework on the topic, decided that this is the best option for me, and if you really want to know more, look it up." Or, what's worse...

2) People will make it clear that you're not making the "right choice" or even the "possible choice". Do you know how many times I've heard, "You'll be wanting that epidural soon enough!" and similar quips? Do you not think I haven't done my research on my choice? Childbirth is the most famous pain of all pains. Believe me, I haven't made this decision lightly.

1) My baby is the most magical baby ever, and I will fight you if you say otherwise. This realization came one time when I was feeling the baby kicking and someone cooed, "Oh, I loved that feeling when I was pregnant." My instinctual response was, "You don't know what you're talking about, never has something so miraculous happened as MY baby kicking." Oh! And ultrasound pictures? Most fabulous pictures of arms and a skull and feet EVER!!

Feel free to share things you learned about pregnancy after you became pregnant!